


Not The One You Wanted

by KatieWrites



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: A little comfort, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, but not really, like a lot, mostly angst, this one hurts good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29315178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieWrites/pseuds/KatieWrites
Summary: “Evan, I don’t know what you expected us to do.”“Love me anyway,” it had been said like his heart had been ripped out...which, it felt like it had. Because that was the truth, wasn’t it...all he ever wanted was for them to love him anyway. He wanted his parents to give a damn about him but they never did...it was like he was a responsibility that they never wanted.Maddie had said that their parents had been different back then when they were sentimental and made a box for her...and now Buck knew why. Daniel. His older brother Daniel...a brother that he didn’t even know existed until he sat down with Maddie to look at all the baby photos in the box...and there were plenty...Buck can hardly remember ever getting portraits like these done during his childhood….but his parents were different back then.-OR- Evan Buckley deserves love and hugs because of how shitty his parents are.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & the Buckley Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 339





	Not The One You Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> We still don't know the extent of the secret...but you can all thank @justarandomfan13 on tumblr for this idea dealing with Daniel and Buck.

It all felt like a nightmare. Maddie had invited them here. Maddie had wanted to reconnect. And they came….no one was in danger, no one was dying….and they came. Maddie wanted to reconnect despite how their parents had treated them….despite them cutting her off when she married Doug, despite them turning their back on her when she needed them. Maddie wanted to let them back in because she wanted her child to have “a normal family.” Suffice to say, that was probably going to blow up in her face spectacularly. 

Despite all of this, Buck was with her. Sure, he might need some extra therapy sessions after it was all said and done...but this was Maddie, he’d do anything for her because he wants to be the person between her and anyone who’d want to hurt her...and their parents just lived to make them feel like they weren’t good enough. And boy did Buck definitely feel not good enough when they arrived. In their arms were gifts for Baby Mango, their eyes lighting up when they saw Maddie...and they dimmed when they looked to him. That was fine though, he never was his parent’s favorite and he never made life easy on them...so it was fine. Buck was probably just going to join Albert in drinking the Tequila and call it a day, but that was fine.

But you see, it wasn’t fine, not really. It was a whole fucking mess. Honestly, the three days he spent with them all blur together. One thing remained the same though...the feeling of inadequacy. His parents show up bearing gifts for Maddie and they couldn’t bother to show up when either of them were in the hospital? His mother’s nonchalant “we don’t do well in hospitals” absolutely grinded on his nerves. He almost died four times and they didn’t have the decency to show up and check on him? They didn’t even send fucking cards telling him to ‘get well soon!’ Hell, he’d had to call his parents when Maddie was in the hospital to tell them that Doug was dead and all they did was say ‘good riddance’ and that they couldn’t come down to see Maddie because ‘travel was too expensive.’

But they were here now...that’s all that mattered to Maddie. As time went on, Buck could see she was regretting her decision...it wasn’t good for either of their mental healths for their parents to be here, but she was stuck with the fallout now. Buck will admit, he felt a little betrayed at the fact that Maddie  _ told his parents _ that he was in therapy. That wasn’t her secret to tell...and he felt equally angry yet satisfied when their parents told Maddie that they went to therapy to talk about her problems...it felt like a little justice...but mostly he was angry, because who the fuck does that? 

The second day, Buck only had to deal with his parents for a couple of hours because he had a shift (thank fuck). But it was much the same as the first day...they didn’t really pay him much attention and that was fine with him. He went through the ‘Evan this and Evan that’ then promptly got the fuck out of there because he absolutely could not do this. He couldn’t sit with them and feel like his twelve year old self stuck between his parents and Maddie again. He couldn’t feel that helpless, remembering the times he would do something stupid just so they wouldn’t round on Maddie and bring her down more than they already did. 

It was asking too much of him...he just couldn’t do it. It fucking hurt because in their eyes, he was still the fuck up of the family (though he still didn’t know what he did to have that immediate disappointment ever since he could remember). He thought it would be fine once he went to work...it should have been fine, but Chim had been acting weird for a few days and he just couldn’t figure out why. And then the whole bomber shit went down and the bomber seemed to know something about him too? What did Chim tell him while they were in that building? Why did everyone know something he didn’t? It’s like he’s six years old again wondering why his mom, dad, and sister were arguing but got quieter when he entered the room...why does everyone hide something from him? Is it about him? Did he do something? Why can’t anyone just tell him?

The third day...Buck wishes he could forget the third day. He was more fed up with his parents than he’d ever been before. They gave Maddie a box full of pictures and mementos from her childhood and when he asked about his...they didn’t have one for him. He could see it on their faces, on Maddie’s face...and Chim-the bastard-tried to joke about it by saying he wasn’t a fully grown adult yet...for fuck’s sake, Chim, he’s 29 years old, that screams fully grown adult! But it’s fine, he shouldn’t have expected his parents to have mementos of his past filed away in a box somewhere because he never really mattered like that to them. They didn’t want him and that was fine...he had Maddie, that’s all that matters. Dinner was even worse...parents weren’t supposed to make you live up to their standards, they weren’t supposed to treat you like shit on the bottom of their shoes...they weren’t supposed to expect their child to make it ‘easy on them’ and they sure as hell weren’t supposed to think that a child of theirs is hard to love.

Everything got under his skin and he just couldn’t take it anymore. He blew up at his parents. He told them that they were the reason he was in therapy because he’d had to walk through fire every day of his life because  _ he was never good enough, nothing he ever did was good enough for them _ . He blew up and he let his feelings out like his therapist said he should and he let them know that he was hurting because of them...and his mom asked what he’d expected them to do...and if that wasn’t a slap to the face.

_ “Evan, I don’t know what you expected us to do.” _

_ “Love me anyway _ ,” it had been said like his heart had been ripped out...which, it felt like it had. Because that was the truth, wasn’t it...all he ever wanted was for them to love him anyway. He wanted his parents to give a damn about him but they never did...it was like he was a responsibility that they never wanted.

Maddie had said that their parents had been different back then when they were sentimental and made a box for her...and now Buck knew why.  _ Daniel _ . His older brother Daniel...a brother that he didn’t even know existed until he sat down with Maddie to look at all the baby photos in the box...and there were plenty...Buck can hardly remember ever getting portraits like these done during his childhood….but  _ his parents were different back then _ .

Buck felt hurt, there was no other way to put it. He felt lied to, destroyed….he never had a fucking chance. He would never live up to Daniel  _ because he was dead _ . Hell, that’s the only reason his parents had him. Daniel had Leukemia, he needed Bone Marrow from a match...Maddie wasn’t a match, their parents weren’t matches….so they had another kid. They had Buck. Daniel got sicker and sicker, but the doctors wouldn’t perform the procedure until Buck was two years old. Buck was a match but they wouldn’t take his bone marrow until he was old enough...and Daniel died waiting. 

That’s what Maddie told him. 

That’s why his parents didn’t give a damn about him.

He had one purpose...save his dying brother and he’d failed because he wasn’t old enough to donate. He was meant to be a pin cushion, go through any procedure Daniel had needed without regard to his own comfort or safety (though he knows the doctors wouldn’t have put him in any immediate harm)...he was a means to an end...and he didn’t fulfil that so he disappointed his parents, he didn’t matter to them anymore...he was all for nothing...they  _ didn’t want him anymore _ .

The sad thing is, it all made sense now.

He didn’t have birthday parties growing up (though Maddie would smuggle him a cupcake with the allotted number of candles and they’d celebrate together).

He didn’t have a normal childhood. He’d missed out on everything the other kids did...he grew up too fast...that’s why he was so reckless when he struck out on his own for the first time…. _ it all made so much more sense now _ .

And it was all because of Daniel.

If Daniel had never been sick, his parents wouldn’t have tried for another kid. He probably would have never been born...and he kind of wishes he’d never been born because this pain...this aching feeling that he can’t get rid of-that is starting to swallow him up inside-he wishes he couldn’t feel it...he doesn’t want to be alive to feel it…

He never stood a damn chance.

And that’s what’s brought him here, to this point. He’s trapped in a 5 Alarm fire, no way out and he wants to give up. It would be so much easier than fighting to stay alive...because in reality, he’d failed his job...Daniel had died and he hadn’t had much of a life after that...this was it. He didn’t get anymore chances.

_ “Buck, you gotta keep talking to me, okay? Don’t give up on me, I’m coming!” _

Eddie...Eddie cared about him. Buck’s life was better with Eddie in it...but that didn’t mean it was his life to live. Eddie would find someone to settle down with and then Buck would be alone again...and Buck couldn’t do that. “I can’t be alone again.”

_ “You’re not. I’m coming and we’ll get you checked out. You’re going to be fine...we’ll go back home to Chris and we’ll watch Mulan because he’s been obsessed with Mulan this week and then we’ll put him to bed and watch something not PG rated.” _

Buck could feel the tears start down his cheeks before they evaporated in the heat. “I’m always alone, Eddie,” Buck’s breath caught in his throat, “I wasn’t even meant to be my own person! I was-I was meant to be a pin cushion. I was meant to save my dying brother’s life and I failed that! That’s why I was never good enough for them!” He choked on a sob, “if he hadn’t gotten sick, I wouldn’t even be here.” 

_ “Don’t talk like that. You are an amazing man, Evan Buckley. I don’t know where I’d be without you in my life, do you understand? You introduced me to Carla, you protect my son like he’s your own, you make sure I go home to my son every shift...and now it’s my turn to make sure you go home. You don’t get to give up on me!” _

“Is it giving up if it’s time? 27 years late, seven or so life threatening events that turned out okay...maybe this time I won’t be alone. Maybe this time they’ll care.”

_ “Buck, no. I don’t care how many life threatening events you’ve been involved in. I don’t care how much your parents have hurt you. I don’t care how much you want them to care, you don’t get to die on me, you don’t get to give up. Christopher can’t lose another parent,”  _ Eddie’s voice was rough and he was panting like he was working double the time to get to Buck...and he most likely was.  _ “I’m sorry to inform you, you don’t get to choose when you die...at least right now. You’re not in the right mindset. But most importantly, I need you and Christopher needs you and you can’t prove your parents wrong by giving up now...you get to prove your parents wrong by making it out of this and showing them the life you’ve built with me and Christopher, alright? You prove them wrong by showing them what a great father you are and how you’ve built an amazing family. Are you hearing me?” _

Buck swallowed thickly, “I hear you.”

_ “Good, that means you stay awake, you keep talking to me and I’ll have you out of here in no time. Are we clear?” _

“Crystal.”


End file.
